A Field Guide to Internet Emotional Bait
Welcome to the wild, untamed ecosystem of online emotional bait — where stories roam free, feelings are hunted for sport, and your share button is the most prized trophy of all. Today, we focus on a particularly syrupy creature and its extended family: the glurge.
What on Earth Is “Glurge”?
The word glurge was coined by the myth-busting site Snopes.com in the late ’90s. It refers to overly sentimental, moralizing stories that try so hard to inspire you that you can feel the sticky sweetness through the screen.
These tales often have:
- A perfect hero (usually a child, soldier, or puppy)
- A perfect villain (usually a faceless meanie)
- A miraculous twist ending
- A moral so loud you can hear it from space
- And, almost always, the command: “If you agree, share this now!”
Think of glurge as the junk food of storytelling: tastes good for a moment, but not very nourishing — and occasionally bad for your health.
The Field Guide to Emotional Bait
Below are the most common “species” you’ll encounter in the online wild. Treat this as both entertainment and survival manual.
1. The Glurge
(Sentimentus overmaximus)
- Plumage: Pastel memes, cherubic children, golden retrievers, sunsets.
- Call: “If you believe in miracles, pass this on!”
- Habitat: Facebook timelines, family WhatsApp groups, inspirational email chains.
- Danger Level: Mild — but can carry traces of misinformation.
2. The Sadfisher
(Drama longevitus)
- Plumage: Vague, mysterious posts — “Some people really showed their true colours today…”
- Call: “What happened? Are you okay?”
- Habitat: Instagram stories, TikTok teary monologues.
- Danger Level: Moderate — drains emotional energy reserves, thrives on comment bait.
3. The Virtue Signaller
(Moralus displayus)
- Plumage: Profile picture frames for causes they learned about yesterday, hashtags galore.
- Call: Loud declarations of virtue, often directed at the already-converted.
- Habitat: Twitter threads, LinkedIn “thought leadership” posts.
- Danger Level: Variable — sometimes raises awareness, sometimes just a mating dance for likes.
4. The Inspo-porn Pusher
(Motivatus extremus)
- Plumage: Stock images of climbers, sunsets, beach runners, overlaid with inspirational quotes.
- Call: “What’s your excuse?”
- Habitat: Pinterest boards, gym walls, corporate slide decks.
- Danger Level: Mild to moderate — may inspire or may just guilt-trip.
5. The Trauma Pornographer
(Misery monetizatus)
- Plumage: Unflinching images of suffering, often without consent or context.
- Call: “Can you believe this is happening?”
- Habitat: Clickbait news sites, viral “awareness” campaigns, certain documentaries.
- Danger Level: High — warps complex issues into quick emotional hits.
Why Do We Fall for Them?
Humans are wired for stories, especially ones that stir strong emotions. These species thrive because they bypass our analytical brain and go straight for the heart. Sometimes they spread harmless fluff; sometimes they push half-truths, harmful stereotypes, or simplistic solutions to complex problems.
How to Protect Yourself in the Wild
- Look for Exaggeration: If it sounds like a movie plot, it probably is.
- Check the Source: “My friend’s aunt” is not peer-reviewed research.
- Pause Before Reacting: Count to ten before hitting “share.”
- Feed Wisely: Reward thoughtful, factual content with your attention.
Final Note from the Ranger Station
Not all emotional content is bad. The internet can share joy, solidarity, and empathy in incredible ways. But knowing how to spot the manipulative varieties keeps you from becoming an unthinking food source for these digital critters.
Enjoy the wildlife — but keep your binoculars, and your critical thinking, handy.
